I graduate on December 18th and I move to Missouri on January 6th. I’m so excited about what the Lord is doing in my life, He keeps blessing me beyond measure. As this year winds down I am in the process of writing support letters for next year, please keep this in prayer. This entire year is for God’s glory and the possibility of Satan derailing things is high because he will do what he can to keep the Lord’s children from doing their calling. As we all know the economy is terrible and that makes it that much more difficult for people to help support God’s work. I ask that you keep me in your prayers as I write the letters and as I get responses from people. I also ask that you keep the people I ask in your prayers, that God would make it clear whether or not they can support me financially. As always, I can be supported the most through prayer and I will definitely need it throughout this upcoming year. I will try to keep updates on here about how things are going with LeadTime. I thank everyone who has supported me and prayed for me through this decision!
Noticing…
So, I’m starting to notice a trend throughout some of my friend’s lives. They are finally seeing how much worth they have in God, and I’m so thankful. It seems that some Christians have this view of themselves as horrible, disgusting people,but we’re not. We are sooo amazing because God loves us. I have a really hard time with the whole “I’m a lowely creature that doesn’t deserve to be loved” idea, maybe that’s because it took me from 8 years old till about now to figure out that I’m completely worth loving. This is not a pride issue, it’s the truth. God gave His son for me, God deems me worth His son’s life. That just flips my mind upside down, sideways, and any other way it can go. God makes us beautiful and worth so much more than we can imagine. 1 John 3:1-10 talks about how much love God has lavished on us because we are His children and how we are made pure because of our belief in Christ. Trust in God’s love, do not belittle yourself because you fail to live up to the expectations of this world, you’re not supposed to live up to them!! When you fail in your walk with the Lord, do not dwell on it, but ask God for help in getting back to where you need to be. Think about this scripture “If God is for us, who can ever be against us?” (Romans 8: 31b). God is for us, so even our own insecurities and doubts cannot get in the way of His plan for our lives; we can fight it and complain about how badly we messed up…but God has already won those battles. His plan will come to completion, don’t you want to be a part of it? When I finally realized how much I meant to God and that my entire worth came from Him, it made me want to love Him, know Him, and obey Him, it wasn’t the culmination of teachings I’ve had or the guilt that came from past sins; it was that the Creator of the universe who can be perfectly satisfied without me, wants me for eternity because He knows that I will get the most joy and satisfaction out of knowing Him.
ON THE FLIP SIDE, be mindful of how you rejoice in the freedoms you have in Christ. People are at different places in their walks, and some have not met Christ; so we have to be careful about how we live this life of freedom. If something we are doing is going to cause a sister or brother to stumble, is it really worth it? It may not be wrong on a spiritual level, but the Kingdom of God is more important. I guess what I’m trying to say is we need to live like we are children of God and rejoice in that fact. Share it with as many people as we can because it’s exciting and life changing, not because it’s something good Christians are supposed to do.
Interview! The Lord at work :-)
Just an update…I had my interview yesterday and I think it went really well. I had even more peace about the possibility of moving to MO after talking with 4 of the staff members. Now, I have to wait patiently on them to make a decision. I also have to continue to keep this in prayer, I need to be completely sure this is where God is leading me because the next year is going to be intense and hard, but it will be so worth it if it’s where I’m supposed to be.
I guess I can give you an idea of what the next year would be like. I will be living with 2 or 3 adolescent ladies in basically a dorm room. The recruiting supervisor told me the facility is set up like a camp, but nicer than most cabins. Then we would all have breakfast together, the other students in my program and the adolescents in the Shelterwood program. Then the teens go to school and we get into small groups. After small groups we start our classes. I’ll be doing 9 hours of class work and 3 hours of training, so I’m considered a full time student. We eat all of our meals together and are in constant fellowship, basically we are in authentic community. One of the staff members told me “one of the great things about LeadTime is that you have 6 people speaking into your life at all times, and one of the hard things about LeadTime is that you have 6 people speaking into your life at all times”. So that’s a very basic view of what my next year will be like. I do get 1 day off to do shopping, check email, or whatever I need to do personally. They do camping trips, mission trips, and we take our “littles” out into the community. Overall, it is a wonderful program and a true opportunity for me to grow in our Lord.
“All Around Me”
FlyLeaf is close to being one of my favorite bands. The lead singer was caught in a struggle with drug addiction, and now she praises God in a secular realm.
My hands are searching for you
My arms are outstretched towards you
I feel you on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for you
This fire rising through my being
Burning I’m not used to seeing you
I’m alive, I’m alive
I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I’m breathing
Holding on to what I’m feeling
Savoring this heart that’s healing
My hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to fade
Into our secret place
The music makes me sway
The angels singing say we are alone with you
I am alone and they are too with you
I’m alive, I’m alive
I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I’m breathing
Holding on to what I’m feeling
Savoring this heart that’s healing
And so I cry
The light is white
And I see you
I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive
I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I’m breathing
Holding on to what I’m feeling
Savoring this heart that’s healing
Take my hand
I give it to you
Now you owe me
All I am
You said you would never leave me
I believe you
I believe
I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I’m breathing
Holding on to what I’m feeling
Savoring this heart that’s healed
Amen.
Been awhile…
As most people know I do not like talking about myself very much, so the thought of sitting and writing about myself is almost painful; hence, why I have not been on here for the past 6 months, but I feel like I need to let some things out.
I am happy. There is no reason for me not to be so. I mean who cares that my best friend is moving to Australia and telling me he’ll probably never come back? Then has the audacity to tell me I’m getting attached. I am not getting attached, I’m getting into “I’m never going to see you again” mode, I feel these two things are very different. Of course, he has reason to think I’m becoming attached but it just isn’t true.
A few weeks ago I made the huge mistake of looking at letters that my best friend, who at the time of the letters was my boyfriend, had written to me while I was in Europe. Yes, stupid. Of course the letters caused me to start thinking back to that time and wishing he was the same person, but when he got to my apartment I realized how unfair I was being. My quote for awhile was, “I’m in danger of never recovering”, and my reaction to those letters and him made it so blaringly obvious that it isn’t just a quote anymore, it’s truth. This is pathetic, but I think if I type it out and really look at it….try to see it as another person saying it, I’ll be able to be objective and ask questions like, “What is wrong with you?” and “Why haven’t you gotten over it already?” without feeling really depressed afterwards.
He and I had a horrible breakup. It ended in megoing to the hospital because I couldn’t cope with losing him, if you have trouble figuring this out just ask me. It took us a year to be able to communicate on AIM, as well as a transfer to UNCG for me. We began to trust one another again, and became great friends. Most people reading this know the history of our friendship for the past 3 years, so a history lesson is not necessary. A summation is that we might as well have been dating because we were doing many things that only dating people do. The reason we weren’t was because of how things ended between us and the fact that our relationship had centered around physical intimacy rather than emotional, intellectual, or spiritual. So, we were never official. He became my best friend, saw me through a lot of issues that I brought upon myself, but never made me feel worthless. He encouraged me to do what seemed right at the time, and told me I was capable of doing whatever I had on my mind for that moment. Now, he’s leaving. He’s going away to explore the world without me. I know it isn’t about me, but the selfish part of my brain says, “he’s doing this without me. I’ve been there for him for the past 4 years, and now he’s just leaving.” It wouldn’t be so bad if I thought he would actually miss me, or if he cared that he wasn’t ever going to see me again. But, he won’t and he doesn’t. My “best” friend is leaving and he doesn’t even care that I care. Story of my freaking life with this kid. I am praying that the denial and codependency will go away soon because I will not allow myself to be in a dark hole the first month he is gone. When does my heart and mind join together to say, “this is enough”?
So…now that I’ve read this from a detached perspective, I can truly ask, “What’s wrong with me?” Why do I put up with these things and why do I let it get to me so much? It is not worth my time or energy. He’s going to Australia and doing what he’s always wanted to. He’s getting on with his life. I, on the other hand, have put a period at the end of mine, HAULT. Why? I am a child of God. What happens with a guy is no comparison to what has happened between God and I. God has called me to be a missionary and to bring hope to those who are suffering. Who do I think I am letting a guy distract me from that??
A friend of mine once said that he believed I was the most content single person he knew…I dislike that he was wrong. I am the most wishy-washy single person I know. One day I am truly content and the next day my strongest desire is to have a boyfriend. How sad is that? My strongest desire….like, the strongest….is to have a boyfriend. Not that I would know God more or that the people I know would be encouraged in their walk, but to have a boyfriend. Oh good grief, talk about messed up priorities. However, now that I have written this down, I have to commit to giving this entire, and I mean entire, situation over to God. I have written it down, so now it is time to put it down.
Writing. Therapy. Synonymous.
In Love
I just finished a book lent to me by a very close friend, and he was right…it changed my life. One of my favorite sections of WIDEOPENSPACES was when the author, Jim Palmer, talked about a “freedom filter”. Every Truth claim he hears he runs through this “freedom filter” and ask questions like, “will this truth bring freedom?” Just think about that, every comment, every television show, every movie, every song, etc. asking yourself if these things will bring freedom. It makes you go about your day differently, makes your thinking patterns change as well. I started using this way of thinking yesterday, and I had to tune out a lot of things that were thrown at me. I think back to those times when I should have chosen freedom, rather than bondage. It’s odd to me that so many people see following Christ as a prison, but how free are you when you are intoxicated night after night, or so jealous you can’t experience the blessings that have been put into your life? That isn’t freedom, that’s pain.
To live life by being in God, being in love, is the best way I know how. I’ve tried some other ways, but they all led to disappointment. I want to love people, not just say, “I’ll pray for you” or “Your family is in my prayers”, but really love people. I’m not saying prayer isn’t amazing because it certainly is, and it works too, but Christ didn’t just pray to the Father, he actually did things to show his love. Starting a conversation with a stranger, or just smiling at someone to show I acknowledge their existence can be love. Palmer ends his book by talking about how the world would be if love governed it, “Every system of control instituted by man since the beginning of time wouldn’t be necessary. Everyone’s behaviors and attitudes would be governed by love”. That sounds like a pretty amazing world to me, the one Jesus described as ”on earth, as it is in heaven”. We could be living in Heaven right now if our perception turned to love, I want to do that.
He gets me
So…my last post was a bit overwhelming to say the least. I’ve gone through this week with a curiosity about people and how they fit into God’s plan. The problem I had with God was actually with us, Christians. It is my fleeting mind that led me to forget that we are vessels for God to enter into the lives of people we surround ourselves with…our own inadequacies make it difficult for Him to move sometimes. I’ve talked to several people this week, Christians and non-Christians; everyone seemed to have something they really loved and something that kept them going. The difference I saw though, was that the Christians had a certainty unlike those without a belief in anything of the higher spiritual world. I say it like that because many people do believe in higher powers but they still seem uncertain. I like the fact that Christians, although sometimes completely wrong in our actions, have a certainty that no other religion can truly provide. Our evidence isn’t just a book or a sermon given by pastor, it’s in nature and true friendships. It’s in the times when someone will meet with you over coffee and listen to you tell your entire life story. It’s when you feel like someone actually sees you, but it’s even better when all of those can be in God. God is so big and so vast, but He gets me. I am still searching for answers, but that’s another thing I like about following God, He is endless; I’ll be constantly growing and learning, and hopefully He’ll let me know the answers when I meet Him. I look forward to living this life with Him, “To live…to live would be an awfully big adventure” (Hook).
Procrastination
I know I am becoming an adult when I have to start making choices that I really don’t want to make, but they determine the direction of my life….so it has to be done. Growing up with a father who was hardly present because of work has caused me to want to conduct my life in the opposite way. I want to be available for my friends, my family, my community, strangers, etc. at anytime they might need me, but lately I have not been able to do that. I could say work has kept me from being available, but is that just an excuse? Are my priorities in the right order? Last Sunday I had alarm clock malfunction and I work every Thursday till 9:30, this Sunday I had to do training because I could have lost my job, but this training could have been taken two months ago. I am realizing that the more I get involved in adulthood the less I can conduct my life in a “I’ll do it later” fashion. Of course God even tells us tomorrow is not promised, so why would I be so bold as to think “later” will come for me? In order to be available I have to do things in a timely manner. It is a simple as that. I am staying ahead on my course work, I have given up my Saturday rotation with Ellie, and I have a planner; I think I’m on the right track…I just need prayer that I will continue to stay focused and on top of things as they come.
Rutba House
Some of you know I have been reading The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne, absolutely amazing book! Well for those of you who have not read this book and do not know what Mr. Claiborne is doing with his life, I will give you a little information. Shane Claiborne is apart of a movement called The Simple Way; a place where people live in community and do things how God intended them to be done (in my opinion). The Simple Way has sister communities throughout the US, and apparently there is one here in good ole’ NC called the Rutba House. I did some research on this community located in Durham and found it to be amazing. The people serve those in the community by feeding them, teaching them, playing with them, etc. They live by a “contemporary school for conversion’ known as new monasticism. Once I type out the marks of this new monasticism you will see why I am so excited about it.
1. Relocation to the abandoned places of empire.
2. Sharing economic resources with fellow community members and the needy among us.
3. Hospitality to the stranger.
4. Lament for racial divisions within the church and our communities, combined with the active pursuit of a just reconciliation.
5. Humble submission to Christ’s body, the church.
6. Intentional formation in the way of Christ and the rule of the community, along the lines of the old novitiate.
7. Nurturing common life among members of an intentional community.
8. Support for celibate singles alongside monogamous married couples and their children.
9. Geographical proximity to community members who share a common rule of life.
10. Care for the plot of God’s earth given to us, along with support of our local economies.
11. Peacemaking in the midst of violence, and conflict resolution within communities along the lines of Matthew 18:15-20.
12. Commitment to a disciplined contemplative life.
I don’t know why, but these 12 marks call out to me. I guess it reminds me of the first church. I wish I could have been there to see how they communed with each other. However, I am so thankful to be apart of the world today. I am apart of a community that worships together in each other’s houses and eats meals together. We love on each other every chance we get. I believe that if there ever came a huge need from a neighbor, our community would give to that neighbor automatically. I’m so excited to see that God is surrounding me with an authentic community that is based around Him. His Word expresses my heart completely.
Acts 2:42-47
42They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. 43Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. 44All the believers were together and had everything in common. 45Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. 46Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, 47praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.
Praise you Father!
Today in church we talked about being apart of the amazing story God has written. We talked about the last chapter of the story, paradise. I realized I’ve been living like this is it, you know what I mean? I haven’t been focusing on the eternal kingdom I get to live in when Jesus comes back. Of course I am going to be selfish, hateful, and greedy if my mindset is only on today’s Earth. I know we are supposed to let tomorrow worry about itself, but I wait in anticipation for tomorrow, maybe that will be the day I get to return home. There can be nothing better than worshipping my God all day, knowing Him as a physical presence, and being surrounded by those I care most about. I haven’t been focusing on getting people to that kingdom, lately I’ve been extremely selfish and focusing mainly on myself and God. I’m not implying you shouldn’t focus on your relationship with God, but it becomes a problem when you use it as an excuse not to talk about Him to others, I’d say your relationship with Him isn’t very healthy anyways if you aren’t constantly talking about Him. I asked myself a lot of questions today, a few being: 1. where does God want me? 2. am I supposed to have a significant other in my life at all? 3. how can I better serve my God with the gifts He has blessed me with? These are questions I ask myself daily, but I realized I haven’t really taken them to God, not fully anyways. God knows the desires of my heart, and I trust that He will bless those desires, I just have no idea when. I found today that if I focus on the eternal kingdom, my desires become different. My desires become those of God’s and I really feel like that’s where I should be.
