As most people know I do not like talking about myself very much, so the thought of sitting and writing about myself is almost painful; hence, why I have not been on here for the past 6 months, but I feel like I need to let some things out.
I am happy. There is no reason for me not to be so. I mean who cares that my best friend is moving to Australia and telling me he’ll probably never come back? Then has the audacity to tell me I’m getting attached. I am not getting attached, I’m getting into “I’m never going to see you again” mode, I feel these two things are very different. Of course, he has reason to think I’m becoming attached but it just isn’t true.
A few weeks ago I made the huge mistake of looking at letters that my best friend, who at the time of the letters was my boyfriend, had written to me while I was in Europe. Yes, stupid. Of course the letters caused me to start thinking back to that time and wishing he was the same person, but when he got to my apartment I realized how unfair I was being. My quote for awhile was, “I’m in danger of never recovering”, and my reaction to those letters and him made it so blaringly obvious that it isn’t just a quote anymore, it’s truth. This is pathetic, but I think if I type it out and really look at it….try to see it as another person saying it, I’ll be able to be objective and ask questions like, “What is wrong with you?” and “Why haven’t you gotten over it already?” without feeling really depressed afterwards.
He and I had a horrible breakup. It ended in megoing to the hospital because I couldn’t cope with losing him, if you have trouble figuring this out just ask me. It took us a year to be able to communicate on AIM, as well as a transfer to UNCG for me. We began to trust one another again, and became great friends. Most people reading this know the history of our friendship for the past 3 years, so a history lesson is not necessary. A summation is that we might as well have been dating because we were doing many things that only dating people do. The reason we weren’t was because of how things ended between us and the fact that our relationship had centered around physical intimacy rather than emotional, intellectual, or spiritual. So, we were never official. He became my best friend, saw me through a lot of issues that I brought upon myself, but never made me feel worthless. He encouraged me to do what seemed right at the time, and told me I was capable of doing whatever I had on my mind for that moment. Now, he’s leaving. He’s going away to explore the world without me. I know it isn’t about me, but the selfish part of my brain says, “he’s doing this without me. I’ve been there for him for the past 4 years, and now he’s just leaving.” It wouldn’t be so bad if I thought he would actually miss me, or if he cared that he wasn’t ever going to see me again. But, he won’t and he doesn’t. My “best” friend is leaving and he doesn’t even care that I care. Story of my freaking life with this kid. I am praying that the denial and codependency will go away soon because I will not allow myself to be in a dark hole the first month he is gone. When does my heart and mind join together to say, “this is enough”?
So…now that I’ve read this from a detached perspective, I can truly ask, “What’s wrong with me?” Why do I put up with these things and why do I let it get to me so much? It is not worth my time or energy. He’s going to Australia and doing what he’s always wanted to. He’s getting on with his life. I, on the other hand, have put a period at the end of mine, HAULT. Why? I am a child of God. What happens with a guy is no comparison to what has happened between God and I. God has called me to be a missionary and to bring hope to those who are suffering. Who do I think I am letting a guy distract me from that??
A friend of mine once said that he believed I was the most content single person he knew…I dislike that he was wrong. I am the most wishy-washy single person I know. One day I am truly content and the next day my strongest desire is to have a boyfriend. How sad is that? My strongest desire….like, the strongest….is to have a boyfriend. Not that I would know God more or that the people I know would be encouraged in their walk, but to have a boyfriend. Oh good grief, talk about messed up priorities. However, now that I have written this down, I have to commit to giving this entire, and I mean entire, situation over to God. I have written it down, so now it is time to put it down.
Writing. Therapy. Synonymous.
