I graduate on December 18th and I move to Missouri on January 6th. I’m so excited about what the Lord is doing in my life, He keeps blessing me beyond measure. As this year winds down I am in the process of writing support letters for next year, please keep this in prayer. This entire year is for God’s glory and the possibility of Satan derailing things is high because he will do what he can to keep the Lord’s children from doing their calling. As we all know the economy is terrible and that makes it that much more difficult for people to help support God’s work. I ask that you keep me in your prayers as I write the letters and as I get responses from people. I also ask that you keep the people I ask in your prayers, that God would make it clear whether or not they can support me financially. As always, I can be supported the most through prayer and I will definitely need it throughout this upcoming year. I will try to keep updates on here about how things are going with LeadTime. I thank everyone who has supported me and prayed for me through this decision!
Noticing…
So, I’m starting to notice a trend throughout some of my friend’s lives. They are finally seeing how much worth they have in God, and I’m so thankful. It seems that some Christians have this view of themselves as horrible, disgusting people,but we’re not. We are sooo amazing because God loves us. I have a really hard time with the whole “I’m a lowely creature that doesn’t deserve to be loved” idea, maybe that’s because it took me from 8 years old till about now to figure out that I’m completely worth loving. This is not a pride issue, it’s the truth. God gave His son for me, God deems me worth His son’s life. That just flips my mind upside down, sideways, and any other way it can go. God makes us beautiful and worth so much more than we can imagine. 1 John 3:1-10 talks about how much love God has lavished on us because we are His children and how we are made pure because of our belief in Christ. Trust in God’s love, do not belittle yourself because you fail to live up to the expectations of this world, you’re not supposed to live up to them!! When you fail in your walk with the Lord, do not dwell on it, but ask God for help in getting back to where you need to be. Think about this scripture “If God is for us, who can ever be against us?” (Romans 8: 31b). God is for us, so even our own insecurities and doubts cannot get in the way of His plan for our lives; we can fight it and complain about how badly we messed up…but God has already won those battles. His plan will come to completion, don’t you want to be a part of it? When I finally realized how much I meant to God and that my entire worth came from Him, it made me want to love Him, know Him, and obey Him, it wasn’t the culmination of teachings I’ve had or the guilt that came from past sins; it was that the Creator of the universe who can be perfectly satisfied without me, wants me for eternity because He knows that I will get the most joy and satisfaction out of knowing Him.
ON THE FLIP SIDE, be mindful of how you rejoice in the freedoms you have in Christ. People are at different places in their walks, and some have not met Christ; so we have to be careful about how we live this life of freedom. If something we are doing is going to cause a sister or brother to stumble, is it really worth it? It may not be wrong on a spiritual level, but the Kingdom of God is more important. I guess what I’m trying to say is we need to live like we are children of God and rejoice in that fact. Share it with as many people as we can because it’s exciting and life changing, not because it’s something good Christians are supposed to do.
Interview! The Lord at work :-)
Just an update…I had my interview yesterday and I think it went really well. I had even more peace about the possibility of moving to MO after talking with 4 of the staff members. Now, I have to wait patiently on them to make a decision. I also have to continue to keep this in prayer, I need to be completely sure this is where God is leading me because the next year is going to be intense and hard, but it will be so worth it if it’s where I’m supposed to be.
I guess I can give you an idea of what the next year would be like. I will be living with 2 or 3 adolescent ladies in basically a dorm room. The recruiting supervisor told me the facility is set up like a camp, but nicer than most cabins. Then we would all have breakfast together, the other students in my program and the adolescents in the Shelterwood program. Then the teens go to school and we get into small groups. After small groups we start our classes. I’ll be doing 9 hours of class work and 3 hours of training, so I’m considered a full time student. We eat all of our meals together and are in constant fellowship, basically we are in authentic community. One of the staff members told me “one of the great things about LeadTime is that you have 6 people speaking into your life at all times, and one of the hard things about LeadTime is that you have 6 people speaking into your life at all times”. So that’s a very basic view of what my next year will be like. I do get 1 day off to do shopping, check email, or whatever I need to do personally. They do camping trips, mission trips, and we take our “littles” out into the community. Overall, it is a wonderful program and a true opportunity for me to grow in our Lord.
New Goal…and some prayer stuff
I’m starting a “I’m going to write in my ‘journal’ everyday” goal. That doesn’t mean the content has to be super deep, I just have to type some things that have been on my mind. As of right now, I’m going to watch Tyler Perry’s new movie The Family That Preys! I’m excited. I am also working a 16 hour shift tomorrow, so if anyone feels like praying for me that would be cool. Not so much for me, but for Ellie because she’ll get tired of me and then I’ll get physically tired and it’s something that could happen….so prayer is great! I’m also having my LeadTime interview on Wednesday at 3:30, prayers would be great for that too. I’m working on trusting God, which isn’t an easy thing for me….because I’m really controlling and I have to learn that He can handle my life better than I can…because technically it is His life. Anyway, pray that I’d be trusting in whatever the decision is. I love everyone and I’m so glad I can keep in touch with you all this way.
My reality isn’t everyone else’s
So…I’m taking this behavior modification class and it’s probably my favorite class. We talk about antecedents, target behaviors, and consequences. Then if you want to get into Cognitive Behaviorism you talk about emotions, situations, cognitions, and then the behavior. Anyway, it’s basically a class that teaches people how to condition themselves or others to stop an undesired behavior or start a desired behavior, great stuff! My favorite part has been the Cognitive Behavior lecture because it showed me that my reality is not the only reality, simple concept I know, but stay with me. When we react to something, we are actually reacting to our own cognitions (opinions). For example, you’re in a store and someone runs into you with their shopping cart….you can have a number of emotions based on what you THINK took place in that situation. You could be angry because your thought is “they did that on purpose!” or you could be confused because your thought is “what just happened?” or you could be merciful because your thought is “it was an accident”….in whatever circumstance your emotion is based on what you THINK took place. Your behavior is then determined by your own understanding of the situation. I like it. You know if you think about it, there are 6 billion different realities, probably more but I’m not philosophical, because there are about 6 billion people on this planet. Not everyone has the same rules of conduct, relationships, manners, etc. We truly do see things differently because no one has had the exact same experiences. I don’t know why this concept means so much to me, but it makes me more aware and also changes how personal I take things. Not everyone is trying to ruin my life and the universe does not hate me.
D.C. and Protesting
I went to D.C. for a family vacation and it was a very interesting trip. I actually have a new appreciation for America, well not exactly this America, but the America people were hoping for. I wanted to protest outside the White House, just because I’ve always wanted to, but we didn’t have time. We spent all 3 days exploring our nation’s capital, and I loved it! I don’t know a lot about politics because when I listen I get angry and tune everything out, a bad habit of mine; however, I think I began to understand why so many people think America is great and why so many people are willing to lose their lives for America. America presents a lot of wonderful opportunities, it was built from the ground up; of course many lost their lives during the process, but some would say that’s the price of freedom. (I’m not one of those people) People saw America as a place where they could live comfortably and raise their children, and it is that….for some. Some can’t even afford to do that, but is it the government’s fault, or is it society’s fault? And can those two things be separated? Should they be separated? I don’t know the answer to any of those questions, but they have been on my mind for the past couple of days. We met a man, who was giving tours, and he talked about people listening to 3 hour debates between government officials, and they listened because they were interested in what they had to say. Now, some Americans would rather here what’s happening with an actress or actor, is it because we are disgusted with our government, or is it because people’s values have changed? Is it the government, or is it the people who make up the society?
“All Around Me”
FlyLeaf is close to being one of my favorite bands. The lead singer was caught in a struggle with drug addiction, and now she praises God in a secular realm.
My hands are searching for you
My arms are outstretched towards you
I feel you on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for you
This fire rising through my being
Burning I’m not used to seeing you
I’m alive, I’m alive
I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I’m breathing
Holding on to what I’m feeling
Savoring this heart that’s healing
My hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to fade
Into our secret place
The music makes me sway
The angels singing say we are alone with you
I am alone and they are too with you
I’m alive, I’m alive
I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I’m breathing
Holding on to what I’m feeling
Savoring this heart that’s healing
And so I cry
The light is white
And I see you
I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive
I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I’m breathing
Holding on to what I’m feeling
Savoring this heart that’s healing
Take my hand
I give it to you
Now you owe me
All I am
You said you would never leave me
I believe you
I believe
I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I’m breathing
Holding on to what I’m feeling
Savoring this heart that’s healed
Amen.
Oh my family :-)
I saw my nephew graduate from preschool today. He was so precious! My sister, mom, and dad were there as well; my niece, Olivia, was in school. Olivia has a dance recital tomorrow, so I’ll get to see her then.
A few months ago I almost lost my dad. He had an aneurysm burst in his brain, and he should have died right on the spot, but amazingly the blood formed a clot right away. He had a continuous headache for a week, then decided he should probably get checked out. My dad…he’ll do anything to stay away from medical facilities. The doctors realized what happened and had him emitted and ready for surgery. I go into all this to lay the foundation for how I’m feeling about my family at this moment.
I can get a little morbid sometimes, not really sure where it comes from, but most people know this about me. On my way back to Gboro I started thinking about how excited I was that my dad got to see Caleb graduate from preschool and that he got to see me turn 21. Then, of course, I started thinking about how it would have been if my dad had not survived. Lately, I’ve realized that I am a mommy and daddy’s girl and the thought of losing either one of my parents kills a piece of me inside. God performed a miracle when that blood clotted, I have no doubt in my mind.
I am at a point where I consider my parents to be amazing best friends. I used to only want to talk to my mom when I called home, I guess it’s a girl thing, but recently I have wanted to talk to my dad too. He is such a wonderful man and I am supremely blessed to have him as a daddy. I take both of my parents for granted, almost on a daily basis. I hear my friends talk about their parents and some of the horrible things that have happened in their lives because of their parents, and I just want to run home and hug mine for hours. We’ve had our rough points, but I know I am always loved by them.
I am excited to see where God leads me in terms of my parents. I’d like to say that I’ll take care of them, but of course I don’t know what tomorrow holds. I just know that I want to love them as fully as they’ve loved me.
Been awhile…
As most people know I do not like talking about myself very much, so the thought of sitting and writing about myself is almost painful; hence, why I have not been on here for the past 6 months, but I feel like I need to let some things out.
I am happy. There is no reason for me not to be so. I mean who cares that my best friend is moving to Australia and telling me he’ll probably never come back? Then has the audacity to tell me I’m getting attached. I am not getting attached, I’m getting into “I’m never going to see you again” mode, I feel these two things are very different. Of course, he has reason to think I’m becoming attached but it just isn’t true.
A few weeks ago I made the huge mistake of looking at letters that my best friend, who at the time of the letters was my boyfriend, had written to me while I was in Europe. Yes, stupid. Of course the letters caused me to start thinking back to that time and wishing he was the same person, but when he got to my apartment I realized how unfair I was being. My quote for awhile was, “I’m in danger of never recovering”, and my reaction to those letters and him made it so blaringly obvious that it isn’t just a quote anymore, it’s truth. This is pathetic, but I think if I type it out and really look at it….try to see it as another person saying it, I’ll be able to be objective and ask questions like, “What is wrong with you?” and “Why haven’t you gotten over it already?” without feeling really depressed afterwards.
He and I had a horrible breakup. It ended in megoing to the hospital because I couldn’t cope with losing him, if you have trouble figuring this out just ask me. It took us a year to be able to communicate on AIM, as well as a transfer to UNCG for me. We began to trust one another again, and became great friends. Most people reading this know the history of our friendship for the past 3 years, so a history lesson is not necessary. A summation is that we might as well have been dating because we were doing many things that only dating people do. The reason we weren’t was because of how things ended between us and the fact that our relationship had centered around physical intimacy rather than emotional, intellectual, or spiritual. So, we were never official. He became my best friend, saw me through a lot of issues that I brought upon myself, but never made me feel worthless. He encouraged me to do what seemed right at the time, and told me I was capable of doing whatever I had on my mind for that moment. Now, he’s leaving. He’s going away to explore the world without me. I know it isn’t about me, but the selfish part of my brain says, “he’s doing this without me. I’ve been there for him for the past 4 years, and now he’s just leaving.” It wouldn’t be so bad if I thought he would actually miss me, or if he cared that he wasn’t ever going to see me again. But, he won’t and he doesn’t. My “best” friend is leaving and he doesn’t even care that I care. Story of my freaking life with this kid. I am praying that the denial and codependency will go away soon because I will not allow myself to be in a dark hole the first month he is gone. When does my heart and mind join together to say, “this is enough”?
So…now that I’ve read this from a detached perspective, I can truly ask, “What’s wrong with me?” Why do I put up with these things and why do I let it get to me so much? It is not worth my time or energy. He’s going to Australia and doing what he’s always wanted to. He’s getting on with his life. I, on the other hand, have put a period at the end of mine, HAULT. Why? I am a child of God. What happens with a guy is no comparison to what has happened between God and I. God has called me to be a missionary and to bring hope to those who are suffering. Who do I think I am letting a guy distract me from that??
A friend of mine once said that he believed I was the most content single person he knew…I dislike that he was wrong. I am the most wishy-washy single person I know. One day I am truly content and the next day my strongest desire is to have a boyfriend. How sad is that? My strongest desire….like, the strongest….is to have a boyfriend. Not that I would know God more or that the people I know would be encouraged in their walk, but to have a boyfriend. Oh good grief, talk about messed up priorities. However, now that I have written this down, I have to commit to giving this entire, and I mean entire, situation over to God. I have written it down, so now it is time to put it down.
Writing. Therapy. Synonymous.
In Love
I just finished a book lent to me by a very close friend, and he was right…it changed my life. One of my favorite sections of WIDEOPENSPACES was when the author, Jim Palmer, talked about a “freedom filter”. Every Truth claim he hears he runs through this “freedom filter” and ask questions like, “will this truth bring freedom?” Just think about that, every comment, every television show, every movie, every song, etc. asking yourself if these things will bring freedom. It makes you go about your day differently, makes your thinking patterns change as well. I started using this way of thinking yesterday, and I had to tune out a lot of things that were thrown at me. I think back to those times when I should have chosen freedom, rather than bondage. It’s odd to me that so many people see following Christ as a prison, but how free are you when you are intoxicated night after night, or so jealous you can’t experience the blessings that have been put into your life? That isn’t freedom, that’s pain.
To live life by being in God, being in love, is the best way I know how. I’ve tried some other ways, but they all led to disappointment. I want to love people, not just say, “I’ll pray for you” or “Your family is in my prayers”, but really love people. I’m not saying prayer isn’t amazing because it certainly is, and it works too, but Christ didn’t just pray to the Father, he actually did things to show his love. Starting a conversation with a stranger, or just smiling at someone to show I acknowledge their existence can be love. Palmer ends his book by talking about how the world would be if love governed it, “Every system of control instituted by man since the beginning of time wouldn’t be necessary. Everyone’s behaviors and attitudes would be governed by love”. That sounds like a pretty amazing world to me, the one Jesus described as ”on earth, as it is in heaven”. We could be living in Heaven right now if our perception turned to love, I want to do that.
